The Commonwealth Made the Mistake of Asking Massholes to Design a New State Flag, With Predictable Results
rarrarorro. Getty Images.For reasons that matter to the people who find such things important, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts has determined that the official state flag has to go. Whether it's because it's because it's got to do with the Algonquin man on it, the Latin expression the weird, disembodied arm holding up a sword, or some combination of the three, your guess is as good as mine. Whatever. I don't have a dog in this fight. It's not like it's something that affects my, like the Patriots' Storm Blue Rivalries uniform:
To be honest, I've been looking at the same flag in every classroom and courtroom I've ever been in, and not once did it fill be with patriotic fervor. I always felt more like an afterthought. Like the people who designed the state seal did all the heavy lifting. Then the Flag Committee waited until the last minute and just said, "Fook it. Let's take what Seal Team (yes, I hear it) did and slap it on a white background. That'll leave more time for arresting the Irish for Drunk & Disorderly." I mean, it's not like a thing you'd pledge allegiance to or would make you weep if you saw it unfurled over the Green Monster on Opening Day.
I have no problem messing with this "tradition." As long as we keep the official State Bird of Massachusetts the middle finger, I won't complain.
Regardless, the people in charge of such things have decided the flag has reached it's Sell-By Date. And did the one thing they shouldn't do in a situation like this, which is ask Massholes what it should be. The last time anyone asked me for a design, it was the MA Trial Court looking for a logo. My suggestion was a Statue of Liberty motif. But instead of Lady Liberty holding a torch and a tablet, it would be a Court Officer holding a cup of Dunks and Herald. I never heard back. But the Commonwealth has gotten over a thousand suggestions. With pretty much the results you'd expect:
Source - From a tri-color flag of Dunkin’s magenta, orange, and white, to the Patriots’ 3-to-28 scoreboard, the Massachusetts public had no shortage of suggestions for what should be on a new state flag.
The Massachusetts Seal, Flag, and Motto Advisory Commission ran its open call for submissions for the new state flag, seal, and motto from May 8 to June 18.
“Our seal, flag, and motto should reflect not just our history, but the vibrant, diverse community we are today — and the future we are building together,” said Education Secretary Dr. Patrick Tutwiler in the open call’s May announcement. …
Some submissions that didn’t make it to the next round:
I mean, these aren't the worst. Some submitters obviously went straight to AI and other went with MS Paint. The dinosaur with the Dunks with the lower case comic sans was a nice touch. But there's not a one that comes anywhere close to accomplishing the mission of expressing who we are as a people. Something that will distinguish us. That will stand out among all the lesser beings from your Colorados and Oregons or wherever. Something that when all the state flags are on display will make the other 49 say, "Yup. That's those assholes alright.
A few suggestions:
--A parade of Duckboats.
--A 16-ounce can with "IPA" on the label.
--McGillicuddy:
--A BU student's moving van after getting Storrowed:
--The statues of Tom Brady, Bobby Orr, Larry Bird and David Ortiz.
--This:
Maddie Meyer. Getty Images.--Karen Read
--A Fluffernutter:
--The sign highway sign that reads "Sagamore Bridge 5 miles, [23] minutes."
--A Mt. Rushmore design, except it's Matt Damon and any combination of three Afflecks and Wahlbergs.
--A South Shore bar pizza:
--But really, we might as well just do it right:
Brett Carlsen. Getty Images.
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Aside from the 13 championships we've had in 25 years (and those logos are copyrighted) nothing has done Masshole culture prouder than this symbol. And I'm sure Dave will be willing to cut the state a deal and lease it at a reasonable price. Let's make this happen.