Dumping Them Out: Jersey Shore Final Boss

8/10/2025 9:00 PM

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I went and saw Dark Star Orchestra in Dayton, Ohio last night. My friend randomly texted me the night before asking if I wanted to go. I had never heard of them. When I asked me wife if she had ever heard of Dark Star Orchestra, she confidently responded, "Yeah they're a Pink Floyd cover band."

So I said sure, why not. Turns out Dark Star Orchestra is actually a Grateful Dead cover band. Which was just as good for me, but that was quite the unexpected twist when I eventually realized that. I'd never been to a jam band concert like that before. I can see why people get fucking obsessed with them. Amazing show. Incredible production. According to my friend, Dark Star Orchestra blows Dead & Company out of the water. I can't tell you if that's true or not, but they have been covering the Grateful Dead since 1997, and last night was arguably the most impressed I've ever been coming away from a concert.

There's a kid dressing up like a home plate umpire at St. Louis Cardinals games. In the clips, he seems to be standing and making calls for the duration of the game. Which poses the interesting philosophical question, "Does this suck?"

Some people say it does. I'm not saying that. He's literally just a kid. He's having fun at a baseball game. Lots of people seem to enjoy his presence. He aspires to be a Major League Baseball umpire when he grows up. A young child focusing his energy into something like umpiring should be encouraged. If more kids did that instead of spending all their time smoking crack in ditches, the world would be a better place.

On the other hand....................... never mind. Remember, he's just a kid. Just a cool kid who fucking loves officiating sports. Nothing wrong with that. Except if you're that kid's dad... I'm just saying... getting your son into umpiring in 2025... that's like opening a beeper company in the early 2000's. Robot umpires are coming. This kid is going to spend his whole childhood preparing for a career that will no longer exist by the time he's an adult. At that point, you might at well just get into ditch crack.

I've been keeping up with the Barstool Beach House as much as any 33-year old blogger who works at Barstool Sports should be. Which means loosely watching the videos as they pop up on my feed for as long as it takes me to get the gist of what's happening (or until the conversation gets so drunk that I can't follow it anymore). But if I'm being honest, it's a little hard to focus on my co-workers at the Jersey Shore when I know that across the pond, there's the Ibiza Final Boss who is... well idk what he's doing... but I can't take my eyes off the guy.

How is anybody else in the drunk-people-partying-at-clubs-near-the-ocean-on-social-media industry supposed to thrive when Ibiza's Final Boss is on the scene? How can Barstool Beach House be expected to compete with that? If only there was someone in the Barstool universe who could burst onto the scene at the Jersey Shore with the energy, the confidence, the haircut, and the bitches to compete with Ibiza's Final Boss.

There are officially too many Savannah Bananas game on television. I've got nothing against the Savannah Bananas. I might even be down to attend a Bananas game sometimes (if somebody bought me a ticket and they happened to be playing within 15 minutes of wherever I happen to be). But it's currently 2:45pm on a Sunday afternoon, there's 9 MLB games happening right now, and the Savannah Bananas are squaring off against "The Firefighters" on ESPN. This game isn't even live. The game aired live last night on ESPN2. ESPN is broadcasting Savannah Banana re-runs over MLB games. That seems like a bridge too far.

But shoutout to Savannah Bananas' third baseman Kyle Jackson. Randomly this kid grew up playing baseball in my hometown. I used to umpire for his travel team all the time. Then one day I was scrolling social media to find him playing on the Savannah Bananas and doing shit like this to nearly a million followers on TikTok.

Unfortunately, I think that means I'm no longer the most famous person from my high school (Bowling Green High School isn't necessarily pumping out celebrities). There was also a kid who toured as a Justin Bieber impersonator, and played Young Jack Sparrow in 'Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales'. But according to his Wikipedia page (bad look for my case, I know), he doesn't have any acting credits since 2022. If you stuck us both at a bar on Bowling Green's campus, I think I get recognized first. Which is obviously the fair way to determine a person's celebrity status.

I guess Bowling Green also had Olympic Figure Skater, Scott Hamilton. But he's old. And I'm pretty sure he was too busy figure skating to actually "attend" Bowling Green High School. Pretty sure he was one of those "Do as minimal school work as possible while I'm on the road competing so I technically graduate before becoming the best figure in the world" situations. So he doesn't count.