"The Green Dildo Bandit" Has Been Arrested And Allegedly It Was An 18 Year Old Terrorizing The WNBA. But KFC Radio Just Did An Interview With The Mastermind? Nothing Makes Sense Anymore.
It's been a wild few weeks for the WNBA but after long last... THE Green Dildo Bandit has possibly been apprehended. Who could've guessed the cockiest culprit of the whole operation was allegedly an 18 year old kid? What a demented world indeed.
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(Fox10 Phoenix) - "Video footage shows Lopez, sitting in his seat, he retrieves the green dildo from his sweater front pocket then throws the dildo forward. He then stands up and leaves the area," a court document read. A witness who volunteers in the arena said they followed Lopez, tackled him as he tried to leave and waited for police to arrive. "The adult male victim was interviewed. He stated he was watching the WNBA game with his 9-year-old niece, when something hit his back then fell to the ground next to them. He realized the object that hit him was a dildo. He desires prosecution," the court document read.
Lopez reportedly was sorry and said that it was a "stupid prank that was trending on social media." Documents state that he bought the sex toy the day before just to take it to the game. Lopez was booked into jail on suspicion of disorderly conduct, assault and public display of explicit sexual material. The WNBA and PHX Arena both want Lopez to be prosecuted for disorderly conduct.
What remains unclear is which dildo these charges are referring to, because 2 got launched in that arena but only 1 made onto the court. The other fell short. Sounds like that's the one that hit this adult male victim? Tough scenes for all involved.
The streets were calling this "The United 93 of Dildos" which is highly offensive but also makes perfect sense? Sorry if that offends anyone out there, I really am doing my best to choose love. Just please don't forget to BE CURIOUS as you continue reading.
Now as far as young Mr. Lopez being the alleged mastermind in all this… that's likely not the case. He seems to only be a pawn in the Great War of… whatever the fuck this phallic madness is.
Turns out our very own KFC Radio just had an exclusive interview with Dildo Laden himself though. And sounds like their full force hasn't even been felt yet. We are ALL dumber for learning this information.
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So the whole movement has just been for a fucking crypto shitcoin? For the sanctity of memes & "real" comedy? Jesus CHRIST that is lame.
Can't say that's a surprising turn really but it's surely an unsatisfying one. Maybe they could've gotten away with a few more weeks of interest if they didn't completely piss down their leg by revealing this dastardly plan. Way to jump the penis brother!
I'll certainly never be blogging about this ever again. Eat your heart out Marlins Man.
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Sidenote, could you immediately tell that was an AI news broadcast? I sure couldn't. We're so fucked for the future, in so many Black Mirror ways.
As far as the serial sex toy tossers go, who cares what happens next. As I said before, these shenanigans aren't cheeky or fun anymore. All it's doing is pissing off security guards and fucking up bag checks for everyone trying to enjoy a good ol' ballgame.
But I certainly don't wanna know how these foot soldiers are gonna sneak in those giant green cocks moving forward. There simply HAS to be a better way to live your life out there. The world still needs ditch diggers after all.
Consider this string of memes my last watch on #DildoGate. Some other blogger can pick up the mantle from here. Godspeed girls, stay safe out there.
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