SCIENCE IS SEXY
Just when you thought there was nothing left to discover (except, of course, for new computer-generated images to jerk off to), along come two examples of good old-fashioned human ingenuity that can potentially save lives.
Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably heard about a series of earthquakes that recently occurred just about everywhere (we had a minor one in New Jersey on Tuesday), but particularly off the coast of Russia.
Alongside these recent quakes, we've also seen corresponding tsunami warnings, AND even a fucking volcano erupt in Russia for the first time in centuries as a result of nearby seismic events.
It's times like these that man realizes how mighty Mother Nature is and how helpless we mortals are against her literal Earth-shaking power.
So what do we do?
Do we rebuild what was lost and then wait around for the next time Momma Earth feels destructive?
Well, the brilliant men and women at The National Society for Earthquake Detection decided that the wait-and-see option wasn't for them. Instead of being reactive to whatever natural disasters came down the pipe, they would become proactive in predicting when these incidents would occur, thereby giving the general public time to either prepare or evacuate, and saving thousands of innocent lives while also preventing billions of dollars in property damage.
They did this by studying countless different substances, eventually isolating a natural material that almost always travels in pairs and is what 9 out of 10 dentists agree is the most seismic-sensitive thing on this Earth—The human tit.
More specifically, the tits of Emily Trapp.
After COUNTLESS hours of watching her jiggle on every social media outlet available, seismologists have concluded that either Emily or some other broad just like her should be placed along every major fault line while a dedicated group of scientists/heroes take shifts watching her chest for even the slightest jiggle, joggle, or wiggle 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Now, you may ask- Is there any other practical application for this new tit technology, Large?
And my answer would be… Absolutely.
For example: Have you ever been on the receiving end of an errant sneeze?
More specifically, has some disgusting slob ever failed to cover their nose and mouth while sneezing and shower you with snot and spit as a result?
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Well, the aforementioned scientists at The National Society for Earthquake Detection have been working in tandem with The National Society for Sneeze Containment, and this is what they have come up with so far…
Finally, this last application may seem too obvious, but I'll mention it nonetheless. The National Society for Earthquake Detection has been sharing notes with The National Society for Thrill Ride Safety, and together, these two organizations are ensuring that your next trip to Six Flags doesn't end in tragedy.
In all the cases listed above, the science isn't perfect. And the research is still filled with (literal) kinks. But I'll keep a close eye on developments going forward and keep you guys updated on any other breast-related innovations that are being developed to keep you and your loved ones safe.
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Enjoy the weekend, everyone.
Take a report.
-Large
On the latest episode of YOU GOTTA TRY THIS, I sit down with a fellow Wall Street "veteran" (stolen valor) who is now the owner of the city's hottest smash-burger joint- The Gotham Burger Social Club…
I'm writing about tits and talking about food… How's your day going?
TAR
-L