I Am Going On A Cattle Drive Next Week In Wyoming And I Need All The Advice I Can Get
You ever agree to something, thinking it sounds like a cool story for the grandkids, and then you realize, "oh, fuck, I’m actually doing this?"
That’s where I’m at. In less than a week now, I will be participating in a full-blown, honest-to-God cattle drive at the legendary Double Rafter Ranch out in Sheridan, Wyoming. I’m talking the real deal- horses, cattle, wide open spaces, no cell service, and, most likely, my city-ass getting tossed around like a ragdoll in a windstorm.
It's my best friends from college and I. We signed up for this little shindig two years ago. The wait list was so long (thanks Yellowstone) that this particular ranch has a healthy wait list of 3 years now as of this writing. Anyway, the time is finally here, and I'm starting to get nervous.
Actually, that isn't entirely true.
I'm not nervous necessarily about the cattle drive itself- riding horseback out on the open range for 6 days, herding cattle, sleeping outside under the stars every night. To be honest, I'm really looking forward to those parts of the whole thing. As I am spending quality time with my boys, being disocnnected from the real world and technology, and experiencing nature in every sense.
I'm not a professional equestrian by any means, but I've rode horses before-
And I've been to Wyoming several times. (It's my favorite place in the country and it's not even close.)
Last time I was at Yellowstone Nationa Park I even got up this close to a mother moose with her baby calf without getting trampled by her-
What's making me nervous is that I'm not nervous about any of these parts of it. If that makes a lick of sense? I'm not sure it does. It's all the other stuff...
Like shouldn't I be on edge or concerned about something? Anything? Getting bucked off a horse like the Dutton mom and cracking my head open? Running into a starving pack of wolves?
The guy running this thing is Dana Kerns. A seventh generation homesteader. The man’s family tree is probably part of the actual landscape.
I spoke to him on the phone last week and he ended the call with, "Looking forward to torturing you and your friends. Ha". I am pretty sure he was joking. I hope he was joking.
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This isn’t some influencer “glamping” situation. There’s no spa tent or chef’s tasting menu. I’m going to be on horseback for a week. I’ll be sleeping outside, living off what I can carry, and praying I don’t get kicked in the head by something.
They provided a packing list, and have a healthy FAQ section on the website, but to the Barstool readers who’ve ever done anything remotely cowboy-adjacent, I'm asking for you help me out here. I need advice.
Actually, I need a step-by-step guide for “How to Survive a Cattle Drive When You’re Used to Uber Eats and Memory Foam.” What do I pack? What do I wear? How do I not get thrown off my horse and break every bone in my body? How do I sleep outside without waking up covered in ticks or being used as a chew toy by a curious coyote? How do I shit in the woods properly? Should I be bringing whiskey, Pedialyte, or a combination of both?
Is there some secret cowboy hack for not getting blisters in places I didn’t even know I had? How do I avoid dying of dysentery?
Do I need to invest in a sleeping pad? Do I need chaps?
I am genuinely excited about this. When else do you get a chance to get off the grid and do something so old school nowadays? Maybe I’ll discover my inner cowboy. Or maybe I’ll come back with a new appreciation for the simple things- like running water and indoor plumbing. I know I will come back with permanent bow legs and a newfound respect for anyone who’s ever worn a hat with a chin strap. I will be sure to have a follow-up blog about the experience- if I survive it- but again, any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
p.s. - is this what the beginning, middle, or end of a mid-life crisis looks like?
p.p.s. - this is what I'm seriously nervous about-