Dumping Them Out: I Got Married

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. The first ever Dumping Them Out in the history of Dumping Them Out's written by a married man. Just a 33-year old married dude scouring the internet for Good Hot Boob GIF's on a Sunday afternoon. Kinda fucking insane people still pay me to do this. 

I've been thinking all day about how to write a blog about my own wedding in a way that doesn't come off super conceited. Not really sure that's possible. I mean… peppering entire blog with tits between every paragraph is a pretty good start. That's always been my philosophy with Dumping Them Out. The boobs make me feel ok writing about whatever personal bullshit I want, because as long as there's boobs to look at, nobody can be that mad at me. Unless you're a gay man. Or a straight woman. And not to stereotype, but if there's any demographic who might actually care about a relative strangers wedding, it's probably gay men and straight women. So that's how I'll be mentally justifying this blog in my mind. 

It's a scary thing positing a picture of your wife on Twitter. Instagram is one thing. Nobody is gonna be that mean on Instagram because most people have their names attached to their accounts. Twitter on the other hand is going to be brutally honest. And if people aren't being brutally honest, it's because they're being unrealistically mean. But this was a damn good picture. 

Lot's of Barstool employees will tell you they don't pay attention to negative comments. That people who frequently talk shit and pray on our downfalls are just commenting into the wind. I'm sure that's true for some people. I must have at least a couple co-workers who have the self-control, and are genuinely secure enough with themselves (or rich enough) that they truly couldn't be bothered by that stuff. But that's not me. I won't pretend that I haven't read a mean reply then spent 10 minutes scrolling through their other tweets to check if the person commenting is an asshole to all Barstool employees, or if for whatever reason it's me in particular they can't stand. For example, there's a fake Indian guy on Twitter named Pranveet Patel. I've had my eye on Pranveet for a while. I think he officially hung up the keys, but that guy fucking hated me. There's also someone in the comment section named JohnRichSucks. That guy's been a real dick to me for a while now. But the best hater might be a guy named Fred Williams. And when I posted this picture of my wife… when I saw Fred Williams comment… one of the great Barstool Sports haters on all of Twitter… I nearly fell off my bed.

"He isn't ugly" - Fred Williams.

There's a lot of people out there saying I out kicked my coverage. Which I did. A lot of people asking if I'm the same guy who ate dog shit that one time. Which I am. But not Fred Williams. Of all the incredibly heartfelt messages and thoughtfully written cards I received from my closest family and friends, there's something about getting a, "He isn't ugly" from Fred Williams that hit different. I might have that etched on my gravestone.

But as far as the actual wedding, we kinda nailed it. There were no disasters. Everything went well. The DJ played all the right music to make white people go nuts. Except for when it came time for me to dance with my mom. We chose Forever Young by Bob Dylan for our mother-son dance. My family has always been fans of Bob Dylan. My parents took me to see him when I was young. We thought Forever Young was a nice safe first dance song to choose. Which is why I thought it was wild that the DJ chose to play this version.

The song is literally titled 'Forever Young - Fast Version'. That's a bold assumption for a wedding DJ to go with a "Fast Version" for a mother-son first dance. Seems incredibly obvious that we would have wanted the original/slower/way more popular version of the song.

I guess our wedding coordinator also went MIA for a while. Which was also pretty crazy. Like 15 minutes before the wedding she was asking us where we wanted our flowers placed for the ceremony. Considering my wife was there for 8 hours before the start of the wedding, I feel like she could have nailed the flowers down anytime before 5:15. There was a 15 minute stretch of time there when we were planning a very strongly worded email. But it all worked out. It was legitimately the best day of my life. It goes:

1. Wedding Day

2. Day I lost Barstool Idol but got hired anyways

3. Day I hit my first over-the-fence home run vs Port Clinton when I was 12 

Also, I moved back to Columbus, Ohio. I actually moved a month ago. I just haven't put it out there to people yet. I'm blogging remotely now. New York was fucking awesome to experience for 3 years (the duration of my first contract), but we needed to move back for various reasons. Which seems to be ok with Barstool. I was renewed for another year at least. Or at least I was told so. Still haven't signed anything, but I'm pretty sure that's coming. 

Regardless, if me living in Columbus was going to be a dealbreaker, then so be it. No matter what happens, the last 3 years were an amazing experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. I'll be blogging here every day for as long as they'll let me, and there's nothing Barstool could ask me to do that I wouldn't say yes to. At the same time… as much as I would LOVE to… I'm not sure there's a world where people will be paying me to write Dumping Them Out's until the day I retire. Someday it's going to come to an end and I'll have to go back to real life. Or maybe it won't. Who fucking knows. Maybe all of our fans will age with us and 30 years from now Barstool Sports main demographic will be senior citizens. That's kinda the thing with Barstool. You never know if you have a job for life, or if you're one bad day away from being canned. Which in a weird way is exactly what I need with a job. I can never let myself get too comfortable. This is such a ridiculous job.