Correct Opinion: You Shouldn't Be Allowed On The Beach If You Can't Figure Out How To Keep Your Umbrella In The Sand
Every summer you'll end up seeing at least a small handful of stories about somebody getting impaled by an umbrella stake somewhere along the Jersey Shore. You'd think it would be considered a freak accident, but at some point it just becomes expected. You show up to the beach on any given weekend and you're bound to see at least 3 or 4 dipshits chasing around their umbrella in the wind after it got loose.
The issue is that they'll let just any old idiot onto the beach. There's no societal standard you need to meet in order to get on there. Some beaches might require you to buy a beach tag, but that's it. As long as you can scrounge up a couple bucks, you're good to go.
They show up. They start blasting the worst playlist you've ever heard. They think it's hilarious to feed the seagulls, so now you have flying rats all over the place with bellies full of deli meats. And they just lightly stick their umbrellas in the sand. The moment the first big gust of wind comes blowing through, that umbrella becomes a flying death stick careening across the beach towards every other unsuspecting beach goer.
If you're showing up to the beach with an umbrella, but without a shovel? They should just direct you to the nearest public pool, because clearly the beach is too much for you to handle. You gotta dig deep to really lock that bitch down. Anchor that umbrella into the hard sand and make sure it takes a full blown hurricane to get it to even budge. You deserve to get blasted by the sun if you just loosely stick your umbrella into that top layer of sand. Idiots. Savages.
P.S. -- Whoever invented the Cool Cabana is a genius. Easily the best beach innovation in the past 25 years.