Ranking The 10 Worst Outdoor Basketball Court Conditions That Stopped Us From Making The NBA

You can say nostalgia hit me pretty good when I came across this one from NBA Memes. Well done guys. It's prime outdoor hoop season now that school is out and we're still fresh off the NBA Finals. And for many of us growing up - this meant we were stuck dealing with whatever elements the local park district decided to stick us with at the park courts. 

For those of you who grew up playing summer ball indoors at your local pristine gym, you can right ahead and get the hell out now. This one is for those who grew up in areas where no one even knew who built our basketball hoops, let alone when they went out of commission unmistakably for budgetary reasons. 

Of course - we all have our unique experiences, so I'm excited to see what others dealt with in the comments. But after giving it some thought - here's my top-ten worst outdoor basketball conditions. 

Honorable mention - rim that's bent upwards making it impossible to make a shot. I forgot about this one. You can't prove this is happening without a level but you know it when you play it. On the flip side, rims bent downwards from dunking are awesome. Everyone can shoot like Curry then!

10 - Pavement Issues (cracks / tar snakes / weeds)

jeremyiswild. Getty Images.

I'm saving a couple other specific pavement issues for later that were more deserving and hit home to me, but not having confidence in being able to dribble is an issue. The worst is when you get those fish scale cracks leaving little quarter sized pieces of concrete all put together like a jigsaw puzzle until you bounce the ball launching one in your eye. The tar snakes are a sneaky issue too. When temps get hot enough, your shoes stick just enough to throw you off and it's squishy/sticky nature absolutely ruins your dribble. Weeds aren't usually too bad an issue unless you get those thick, dry stems you can't really fully pull out.

9 - Cancer Bump on Concrete

This one deserves it's own higher rank. The others mentioned in 10 suck but there's nothing worse than having your dribble stolen away from you when conditions otherwise look perfect. When the ball just grazes the pinky-side palm and bounces away as you make your move for a reverse-layup all your anticipation of making the play is ripped from you.

 8 - Court on hill / slope

We get it universe. We're not that good at basketball. But do you have to make us walk of shame every miss? This is the worst when the slope is right under the basket and the only way to fall victim is to air ball it. Really teaches you to learn how to use the backboard.

7 - No Net

Ray Geiger. Getty Images.

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Did that go in? Or did it airball? Who the hell is to know. Either way this issue is multiplied by infinity when you are also dealing with the aforementioned slope. Buddy, what are you even doing here? Go home and help mom fold laundry. Mow the lawn. Mow someone else's lawn. Don't do this to yourself. 

On the other hand no net hoops do give you the perfect plausible deniability on misses when playing one on one. Can't really pull it in a 5 on 5 or even 3 on 3, but when that defender is out on the perimeter next to you turning around to see the shot, there's no way he can tell for sure your airball wasn't a swish. Also - when you get a hung chicken net situation as shown above, it is legal to grab on to hoist yourself up to dunk. 

6 - Oil slicks / geese poop

Cris Andrei. Getty Images.

This one really hits home for me. I played at a rundown school basketball court / school staff parking lot composite right next to a large field with a creek going through it. Needless to say the court attracted both oil and goose dung. Both of which have great shotgun spattering capability when struck with a basketball. There were times I'd be out there shooting by myself (no one else was dumb enough to play there and I wasn't old enough to go anywhere else) and would feverishly turn the ball for full goose poop inspection after each shot. I can still hear the particular squish sound of an hour old soft serve green/white twist underneath my now soiled ball. 

The oil was just as annoying. If not more. When it's in the parking lot and the rain swishes it around it's a lot harder to identify. At least you can see the oil leaks in the driveway and deal with it ("Grandma, are you done with the Sunday paper yet?")

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5 - Cancer bump in ball

I'll have this also consider the texture-less ball shown by NBA Memes, but the bump in the ball is infinitely worse. Shoot enough with the no-tread ball and you'll at least adapt a little bit (not much), but there's nothing you can do to predict when you're dribble hits this malignant tumor. Lesson to learn here is never overinflate your balls. 

4 - Net/Chain too tight

Ktn. Getty Images.

This moves up to #1 if you're still too young to reach the net yourself. No one wants to be the kid that brings a broom to the court in the event you ever actually do the thing you went there trying to do.

3 - Rogue Puddles

Tarcisio Schnaider. Getty Images.

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Gotta correct NBA Memes on this one. The completely wet court was never an issue I encountered because even as a kid who went to dribble a ball in geese poop, I was never dumb enough to think I'd play basketball right after it pours. Unless I'm mistaken, that entire court is sopping wet. But maybe puddles was really their intent as there are plenty shown there also. And I can say it's incredibly annoying during humid times when you wait hours if not the next day after rain and still find mosquito breeding grounds when you arrive. 

The worst part of it all is the self convincing that you'll be able to avoid the puddles. You've never been successful before, but this time will be different. 

2 - Pebbles/rocks/sand on court

There are some courts out there in which they never bother laying asphalt over the gravel and just let it sit raw. That's not actually what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the little rocks that you don't see, but hear skidding as you slip on them and scrape the absolute cap off your knee. And the thing of it is there's really nothing you can do about it unless you brought some kind of portable pneumatic blower (GTFOH with your wimp ass leaf blowers) capable of removing it all. 

1 - Double Decker Rims

I don't care what you say. Tell me I suck and I'd make shots in the double-decker rim if I were any good. I don't believe you. If there's one thing created on this earth by a carnie, it's the double-decker rims. You have no chance. None. Think about it. These things were created by suits making five figures in the high offices of our local park or school districts as a means to prevent replacing the rims over and over again. Do they care if we can make any shots on these damned things? Not a chance. They're just collecting our tax money and killing our spirit one shot at a time. I'd have at least two Finals MVP's if not for the double-decker rims. I'll dribble through geese poop. I'll slip on the pebbles. I'll even bring a fucking broom to get my ball down. But mark my words. I will never shoot at a double-decker rim.

@Stathole