Barstool Chicago’s Breakfast of Champions: Soft Serve

Growing up in South Florida, I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit. I’ve watched people willingly swim in canals with alligators. I’ve been to coffee shops where the waitresses dress like strippers. I’ve also been to clubs where the girls dressed like strippers were actually strippers. So yeah, I’ve seen some wild things in my life.

But never, never have I seen people willingly eat soft serve ice cream at 9:00 AM.

It’s legitimately insane. Diabolical. Outrageous. Choose any adjective that fits the bill for something that’s borderline criminally disgusting, and it probably applies. And yet that’s what makes it so beautiful. There’s something oddly poetic about it. The fact that I can walk downstairs in the office, see a line forming, and realize it’s not for coffee or breakfast but for soft serve in a waffle cone is hilariously on brand for this place.

Do I think it’s healthy? Absolutely not. Do I think this ends with someone developing high blood pressure and regretting their decisions? Without question. But still, who cares?

This is what dreams are made of. Or at least, what Big Cat’s dreams are made of. And honestly? Good for him. He’s earned it. If anyone deserves to have soft serve on tap before 10:00 AM, it’s that man.

That said, just because he deserves it doesn’t mean I’m not still baffled watching grown adults line up like it's the ice cream truck at a kids summer camp in July only it’s Thursday morning in an office building and they haven’t even opened their laptops yet.

But hey, that’s America. That’s Barstool. That’s freedom.

So go ahead. Exercise that beautiful free will. March yourself up to that machine, grab that oversized waffle cone, and load it with chocolate-vanilla swirl like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Just don’t come crying to me when your body starts breaking down after five straight mornings of sugar and dairy on an empty stomach.

Live fast, eat soft serve.