If You Took a Purse Containing $3K and High Level Government IDs, the Head of the Department of Homeland Security Would Like Her Things Back

Anna Moneymaker. Getty Images.

Depending on how much you keep up with current events, you may not be familiar with Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. And to be fair if that's you, Cabinet Secretaries aren't the kinds of people who's names you have to memorize like they're NBA starting lineups or The Last of Us characters. They come, they go, your life goes on with or without them. 

But Noem made a name for herself long before she was appointed to run DHS. She was not only the Governor of South Dakota, she seemed to be on a career trajectory that could launch her into higher office. But that path hit a bit of a speedbump when the married Noem was accused of buttering her toast on the other side with one of Trump 45's top assistants:

But she recovered from that nicely, and was rumored to be very much in the center of Trump 47's short list of running mates. Until her autobiography came out. And the only part anyone cared to pay attention to was the passage where she took one of her dogs out to the pit out back and Ol' Yeller'ed him. And all the explanations about being a Country Gal who simply did what she had to do to protect her family weren't going to bring back that Suburban Wine Mom demo.

Still, she landed on her feet. With a sweet job in DC. One of the rare ones that are actually as important as they sound. Not that it's been smooth sailing. Noem has been accused of cosplaying for photo ops. And not in a way that instills a lot of confidence:

Even getting absolutely dragged by her fellow conservative hot chick Megyn Kelly for using prisoners as background props "in her skin-tight shirt, hair perfectly curled and coiffed:

Advertisement

ALEX BRANDON. Getty Images.

Even Kelly called that "fucked up." 

Then again, maybe you can excuse Noem for stepping on a public relations rake or two by pointing out she's still relatively new at this national politics game. That you don't get this kind of scrutiny while running a sparsely populated Midwestern farm state. And the obvious point that ND and DC are two very, very different ecosystems. Never mind that they're barely not even in the same country; they might as well be on different planets. If she didn't realize that herself, then the point was just driven home while she was out to dinner in our nation's capital. On Easter, no less:

Source - Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem fell victim to a thief while eating dinner at a downtown Washington, DC, restaurant Sunday night, the secretary confirmed Monday.    

   

Noem, who was asked about the theft at the White House Easter Egg Roll, acknowledged the incident and said the matter has not been resolved.    

   

The Secret Service, which provides security for Noem, reviewed security camera footage at the Capital Burger restaurant and saw an unknown white male wearing a medical mask steal her bag and leave the restaurant, a law enforcement source said.    

   

The thief got away with Noem’s driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, passport, DHS access badge, makeup bag, blank checks, and about $3,000 in cash.    

   

The Secret Service has launched an investigation to trace any use of Noem’s financial instruments, the person added.    

How's that for a reality check? In one trip to Capital Burger she learned you can be the head of the Department of Homeland Security, but that doesn't mean you're still in your Homeland, or that you have Security.  

I don't mean to question her qualifications, but it's fair to ask whether we can trust someone to keep the country safe when she can't keep track of her own stuff. It's a simple question of competence. Of judgement. How do you secure our borders, airports and shipping ports when you even can't secure your IDs, meds, keys, makeup and wallet? I speak from experience when I say I've spend the last 30 years with a woman who can't keep track of her phone for more than 15 minutes at home, but when we go out has her purse attached to her like a vestigial organ. But our DHS Secretary lets hers get grabbed right out from under her perfectly-shaped nose.

But the real losers here are Noem's Secret Service detail. The suspect is allegedly a white male wearing a Covid mask in 2025, which should've set off every alarm in their heads that this guy was suspect. Anyone still sporting the N95 so long after we were forced is either trying to hide his identity or legitimately insane. Either way, having one close enough to a high ranking official to snatch her purse is a legitimate reason to draw your weapon. And a righteous kill, if it comes to that. 

Either way, this guy just pulled off one of the low key heists of the century. This was some Mission: Impossible-level thievery.  Penetrating the security perimeter of one of the most heavily guarded people in the nation and getting away clean is the kind of move so bold, so brazen, that even Ethan Hunt would decide not to accept. If he wasn't a criminal, I'd almost feel bad for him that all he's going to get out of it is 3,000 bucks. Because if he so much as scans her debit card at an ATM there'll be a squadron of drones taking him out within seconds. And he better pray the serial numbers on those bills aren't flagged by the Treasury Department like when Vic Mackey's Strike Team robbed the Armenian money train in The Shield. 

Advertisement

At least when this is all said and done, the perp have a hell of a story to tell. If he lives long enough to ever get out of prison, that is.