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College Football Is Back: Man Covers His Entire Body In Mayo For 20 Seconds Of Air Time

Death, taxes, mayonnaise playing a major role in college football for some reason. I actually hate that "death, taxes..." saying. It's extremely played out. But I'm not feeling especially creative right now so that's what you get.

Somehow big mayonnaise has infiltrated the greatest sport in the world. I'm not sure when it happened. I know it wasn't all that long ago. But somehow Duke's Mayo has convinced college football fans that if you REALLY love your team, then you'll take a jumbo sized jar of mayonnaise and spread it about your half naked body in the name of a school that you probably go to but just happens to be the best team you grew up within a couple hundred miles of. That's what you do when you're a Carolina fan (North or South I'm not sure).

What happens after the ESPN camera crew is done filming their soft core mayonnaise porn? Do they direct him to a shower? Give him an industrial sized box of wet naps? Supply the rest of the crown with turkey and buns so they can collectively wipe their bread on the large hairy man covered in condiment so that their sandwich isn't dry? No chance. They're just going to walk away and move on to the next. They're going to leave him there in the front row covered in mayonnaise and regret. 

I like to imagine that somewhere else at College Gameday there was another man who they convinced to do this, but he didn't quite have the charisma of this guy. They did the whole, "here cover yourself in mayonnaise you'll be on Sportscenter" thing. And the man gave an adequate performance. Then he rushed home to shower, made it back to the game just in time, then opened up social media thinking that he's going to be famous, only to find that his mayo spreading performance wasn't quite good enough for cable TV, and he did the whole thing for fucking nothing. 

Duke's mayo can't keep getting away with this. They've taken things too far. This year's Duke's Mayo Classic, which is different than the Duke's Mayo Bowl, is between North Carolina and South Carolina. I'm watching it right now. Great game so far. I'm assuming that afterwards the coach will have a Gatorade cooler full of mayo dumped on his head, considering we've already had a North Carolina vs South Carolina jar of mayo eating contest.

I know I'm just being a sour puss, and this is all in good fun, and the fans agree to all of this. But I can't help but feel like Duke's Mayo is taking advantage of poor dumb fans who aren't thinking about what the fuck happens 20 minutes after they're done playing out some asshole's perverted mayo fetish. Or maybe they just fucking love mayo. Whatever. I can't relate. I'm just happy that college football is back. And thankful that ketchup, mustard, relish, soy sauce, or ranch don't have their own college football game today. Although I'm sure that's right around the corner.