Armie Hammer Being A "Cannibal" Doesn't Make Him Any Less Hot

*****thinks VERY carefully about how to express how hot these texts are without sounding like a cannibal, too******

MAN OH MAN. Now, we're unsure if these texts are real. There are rumors flying ALL OVER the place but by all accounts...they seem legit. We have bitches coming out of the woodwork all over the place to back up these claims.

Advertisement

Okay. I understand that someone saying "I am 100% a cannibal" is the biggest red flag you can get. Maybe that's where you draw the line. But…are we going to pretend these sexts aren't a LITTLE bit hot? "Need your help ASAP kitten." "Thinking of holding your heart in your hands and controlling when it beats." "You are the Michael Phelps of fucking." I mean, SWOON RIGHT? My god. That sense of longing?? Who among us hasn't had a hard time trying to explain the levels of our passions via Instagram DM? Armie wants you to know he is fucking IN. He doesn't only want to be inside you, he wants YOU inside HIM. He wants to CONSUME YOU. If this were a regular ass romance novel, and we maybe removed the stuff about drinking blood, we'd all be cumming to the moon and telling our friends to read it too. 

Sloppy work on Armie's part though. If you're talking eating bodies and shit, you've gotta do it from a burner account. You CANNOT be using your verified Instagram for this kind of talk. That is the only thing that makes me think this is actually fake - a handsome man, father of children, being so careless with his sexts? At the same time, Armie is a noted ladies man. He's always entangled in sex drama; there have even been rumors that he's running some kind of "group" that always has sex with him. Would I join this Armie Hammer sex group? yes, I would. I've decided to shoot my shot. I'll keep you all updated on a response, and if you don't hear from me, assume I was ripped to shreds by the hottest man alive. There are worse ways to die. 

Advertisement

Imagine my blood in that glass <3 <3 <3< p>