How Does “The Mail” Still Exist?

Kramer was talking about how useless the mail is in 1997. Thats almost 25 fucking years ago. And yet, here we are. 

Full breakdown on todays episode of Mailtime. Subscribe here.

Every single day, I get home from work, I walk up the steps to my apartment, I open my mailbox, I grab a big stack of papers and envelopes, I walk up to the garbage can in my kitchen, and throw it in the trash. Every single day. Sight unseen. Right in the trash. How is this system still even in place?? How does “the mail” still exist?? WHY does “the mail” still exist?

Think about it. Since you’ve been alive, and long long before that, we’ve been doing this whole “mail” thing every. single. day. Every 24 hours a man WALKS from door to door all over your neighborhood, taking out paper communication of various shapes and sizes, virtually none of it with any meaning, and placing it inside a special box that only belongs to you. This is the system still in place in the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty. Do you know when the postal service was invented? This postal service...meaning boxes with numbers and men dropping off envelopes inside them? 1653. 1653!!! SIXTEEN FIFTY THREE! We are pushing four hundred years later and it’s still happening. How the fuck have we not abandoned this archaic ass system??

Every single day of your life you “check the mail,” and for what? I used to give it a quick shuffle to see what’s in there before inevitably throwing it all out. Now I don’t even look. I am merely a middle man, receiving my mail from the postal service and the delivering it to the sanitation department. Deliver this pile of trash to KFC and he’ll deliver it to the garbagemen! Sick system of communication for the modern world, for sure not.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand Amazon and packages being delivered. Things that you actually want or need or purchase getting sent to your house, all good. Of course that’s necessary. Me and that creepy robot Bezos are A-OK. But I’m talking about the never ending supply of junk mail that gets stuffed in there every day. I mean if I wanted to see a box stuffed with useless trash every day, I’d just check ya motha’s pornhub account. AYYYYE GOT EM.

But for real, this is about the junk mail. The coupons and flyers. The envelopes addressed to “Resident.” Your local comptroller stuffing a “Vote For Me!” card in your mailbox. The nameless, faceless envelopes to get you to sign up for some bullshit. A full ass fucking brochure magazine to a store you’ve never even been too. How the fuck is this paper still getting sent your way??  I used to get excited at the infinitesimal chance that there was an actual piece of mail in there. Which is patently ridiculous. Like what the fuck was I expecting? Did you think someone penned you a letter, KFC? Did they dip their quill in the ink and write calligraphy on parchment, seal it with candle wax, and deliver it to you on horseback via the Pony Express? Of course not you stupid asshole. Nobody is sending you any interesting mail! Nobody, ever again. The mail for any adult these days is compromised of:

50% direct mail promotional junk

30% bills

10% Save the Dates/invitations

10% thank you notes from the gift you gave at the event for the save the date

You can take 100% of that and throw them away. The bills are ridiculous. Listen up world - I have all my bills set to autopay. And if for some reason I’m not paying them online, the way to get me to pay is NOT by sending me a paper bill with a return envelope and expect me to write a goddam CHECK. I mean maybe I should just send back a bushel of wheat and a leather pelt like we’re on the goddam barter system. Is this the year 1250?? I’ll send you back an envelope with a check as soon as they sign the Magna Carta. If the only way you expect to collect money is by mailing me a paper bill, guess what’s absolutely not getting paid? That fucking bill.

As far as that other shit...we need to come together as a society. The women need to put down their ink pens and stop licking envelope glue. They need to stop with the invites. The need to stop with the save the dates. And they need to FUCKING STOP with the thank you cards. It’s LUNACY. The amount of money and effort spent on sending a pre-invitation, a follow up invitation (complete with MORE mail that I need to send back), and then another piece of mail saying “thank you” for a gift that I had no choice but to give you? Yea, we can cut all that shit out. STOP WEDDING MAIL 2020! No invites! No thank yous! Send me a fucking evite or a text or some shit, and take your “thank you,” shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch side ways, and shove it right up your archaic ass. You’re not ACTUALLY grateful, you’re just happy I covered the cost of my plate. And I’m not ACTUALLY giving this gift out of the kindness of my heart, I’m just socially obligated to give you this money. When you get divorced are you sending me an "I'm sorry" card with my money back? No. So let’s spare everyone the back and forth postal correspondence and cut the shit.

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Bottom line is the mail could completely stop right now and nothing would happen. A modern adult human would be effected 0% if the mail just ceased to exist. Most people wouldn’t even notice. I would notice because I’d have like 15% less rage in my life as I wouldn’t have garbage getting intentionally sent to my special delivery box. But the rest of the people probably wouldn’t care a single shred. I hope my mailman reads this and just starts lighting mine on fire.

Save the environment. Save my sanity. Kill the Postal System.