My Balls Never Felt So Cool

LADBIBLE – Let me introduce you to Snowballs. They describe themselves as ‘cooling underwear for men’.

That basically means that they come fitted with freezable wedges that slip into a pair of boxer shorts that you can wear to keep your junk at a favourable temperature.

OK, so they’re not actually aimed at simply keeping you cool, they do have a serious purpose too.

Basically, the point of having boxers with freezable wedges in them is to encourage male fertility, to ease pain, or to help if you’ve just had a vasectomy.

The company’s website explains: “Since the mid-Sixties, scientists have been aware that scrotal cooling can improve male fertility, but no controlled tests were done until the mid-Eighties, when the advantages of cooling were first clinically shown.

I’m a big sweaty balls guy. Not like into sweaty balls but more just reeling in ball sweat day in, day out. Chicago summers are known for their humidity and my coin purse is no worthy adversary. Sometimes The Cheese Is Too Much I think, especially if I de-pant too quickly while taking a dump after a long day. The force of the air vectoring off my sweet spots as I squat into the John punches me like a box of smelling salts. Only difference is I don’t grin when the smelling salts hit just right.

And while that’s objectively disgusting, you can’t deny that smells (generally) are a lot better when they come from you. That’s just a fact. Everyone loves their own smells. Farts, ball cheese, BO. It’s all deadly and now I’m rambling.

Point is everyone’s scrotum is much better off when you can put your pearls on ice. Even better when you can fit it in your budget:

They’ll set you back $59 for a pack containing two pairs of boxers and three rechargeable wedges. Then a pack of extra wedges is only $4.99.

On average I probably spend $100 on a pair of shoes so comparatively speaking I think I can splurge on my ballsack. Especially if it’s positively benefiting my sperm count while making this lifetime prison sentence just a bit more comfortable. My only fear though is I’m going to come home from work one day and my wife will be posted up on the couch, icing her eyelids because The Allergies Are Just Too Much for the 257th week in a row of our relationship and instead of her eye mask she’ll be wearing my ballsack cooler packs and guess what guys. That’s probably how I die.