10-Year-Old "Rapper" Lil Tay NOT Actually Going On Tour

KB5/09/2019 8:02 PM

Here we go a-fucking-gain with this sh*t. I swear to the dirtbag gods that I had absolutely no intentions of “trolling” anyone this time. I promise that I had a grand total of zero intentions of tricking ANYONE into thinking this poster and accompanying “journalistic” piece was even remotely real or, for that matter, not the most absurdly obvious gag I’ve ever posted online. I thought I was going to post a simple, non-problematic “joke” blog on a crisp, Tuesday afternoon and then go about my day, doing whatever it is that I do.

I did not think that I would be fucking dealing with an onslaught of notifications from thousands and thousands of people wholeheartedly believing this s**t was actually real.

I did NOT think that I’d end up dealing with legal issues and answering professional emails from fraternity presidents, nightclubs, and children’s amusement parks about my “libelous” satire article on a 10-year-old girl’s fictitious, North American hip hop tour. Lil Tay, who isn’t a rapper and never was a rapper, does not actually have smash hit songs like “Mary Had A Little Gram” and “Wheels On The Buss Down” in her discography, and she will not be performing them at venues like Magic City strip club at 1:00am or Bountiful Blessings Daycare at 8:30am.

Despite some published reports, this little Asian whippersnapper will not be touring the east coast and selling out shows at Captain Hooks miniature golf course and Bullwinkle’s nightclub (although people her age will be there that night regardless).

The official tour flyer, which I hastily and lazily put together using the first free “poster customizing” website that showed up when I googled “free poster customizing website” is not real, nor was it supposed to be perceived as any form or variation of “realistic” (sorry to the people who were looking forward to attending her double-header show on June 27th at the Johnstown Applebee’s and Penn State Phi Kappa house; I know people in Johnstown unironically would have nothing better to do).

Two major tobacco brands will not be sponsoring a third grader’s U.S. “comeback” tour to venues like Sky Zone Trampoline Park, Pin-O-Rama Lanes, and Apple-A-Day Care Center. The largest baby food and crayon companies in the world did not, in fact, agree to work with a viral meme or financially support her hip hop concerts at abandoned malls, miniature golf courses, and frat basements. Also, I don’t know what the h*** is going on in Utica, New York—aside from absolutely fucking nothing—because its entire population seemed to have voiced their opinion on her tour date at their local bowling alley. I’m sorry for deceiving you guys and many others.