The Pats Mic'd Up is Your First Sample of Post-Super Bowl Patriots Porn
And so it began last night on Inside the NFL. We got our first taste of Super Bowl LIII erotica. You just haven’t fully experienced the sweet, toe-curling climax of another championship until you’ve seen these moments through the glory of NFL Films Sound FX highlights. In the same way you can enjoy a nice intimate encounter with your partner while you’re doing it, but in order to really get the most out of it, you need to tape it and post the clip on an amateur porn site.
And Patriots Porn this is. Five-star. Certified Fresh on Jerry Tomatoes. Just for Bill Belichick’s shouts of pure joy. “We’re champs, man! We’re champs!” Hugging everyone from his coordinator who was out the door this time last year, to his Undrafted Free Agent cornerback who barely saw the field (sound familiar?) to the daughter he also hugged after beating the Rams 17 years ago to going into Full Proud Grandpa mode. It’s just pure video pepper spray for me. Like if the ending of Rocky I and the ending of Rudy had a baby, and the baby looked just like the whole third act of Toy Story 3.
But this is just the most heartfelt and touching scene. There are other indelible moments the NFL Films captured. And that generous souls who do not care about your petty copyright laws and broadcast agreements were willing to steal and put on the internet for us to enjoy. So … um, enjoy. With special thanks to the Twitter accounts who posted these, here are my personal favorites so far:
1. Belichick prowling the sidelines looking for a visual on Sean McVay, knowing that he could read his body language like a code book to discern his next move, the way he did Pete Carroll in XLIX. You could say he’s like a poker player trying to read his opponent’s tell. I prefer to say he’s like a wolf, staring down a sick caribou, deciding when is the perfect time to pounce. Just incredible:
2. After hearing this, if you’re not ready to Kool-Aid Man your way through the nearest wall, check WebMD because you’re probably in a coma:
3. It’s confirmed: Brady and Edelman are psychically linked, like Elliot and ET:
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4. And that emotional bond between them leads not only to 1st down after 1st down, but you get to hear the frustration on the Rams bench:
5. Any time I get asked if I think Belichick is close to retirement I mention moments like this. Him on a knee in front of his defenders, going over fine points, making adjustments, just coaching, the one constant through the ages for him. From the ’86 Giants to “Slants and in-cuts. That’s the game!” in 2001 to “Keep playing vertical in the pass rush, keep playing vertical in the run game” Sunday. And I reverse ask, “What part of that makes you think the man wants to be doing anything else with his life?”:
6. Brady’s throw and Gronk’s catch – that Hattori Hanzo blade through LA’s heart – gets better with each viewing. Here are several:
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7. “They really can’t beat us. We just can’t screw it up now. If we’re on it, we know they don’t got anything.” This kind of leadership in a huge moment should be taught in schools. From business executives to first responders to military leaders to Emergency Room doctors. That level of preternatural calm is rare, but you can’t be truly great without it:
8. Full wood now:
9. James White calls the Stephon Gilmore interception. Belichick gives all the credit to Brian Flores:
10. A little leakage from now as Stephen Gostkowski makes it a two-score game:
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11. The money shot:
12. The after glow:
Annnd … I’m spent. But the refractory period begins now. How soon before 3 Games to Glory VI, Do Your Job III and America’s Game: The 2018 Patriots come out?