Jim Gaffigan Can Suck My Freshly Bathed Dick

Jim’s take on baths shocked me. It really did. I’m a bath guy to the bone. I love a good bath and it’s not because I’m fancy. I love the bath because the aroma of the suds soothes my brain. The hints of lavender and sage with a touch of pepper open up my sinuses while the Epsom salts cure the wounds that is my ingrown toenails.

I find Gaffigan’s humor to be wholesome and well delivered. When he spoke about hot pockets giving you diarrhea, I felt that like I feel most of his observational humor.

When he mocked Jesus’ squad as a bunch of poors, as a former seminarian, I enjoyed it. I went through my mental notes about the early days of the disciples and laughed at the fact that Peter was a fisherman with empty ass nets until Big JC saved the day and rigged the system and filled his nets to the brim. Probably why Peter never married. Imagine being a fisherman and getting notes on how to fish from a carpenter’s son while all the bitches on the banks watched that same carpenter head out for a little stroll ON TOP of the water. You’d never recover, at least not until the third crow from the rooster.

But when Jim came for my beloved bath, it was too damn much. This idea that taking a bath isnt clean is silly. Sure, if you spend all day on the farm covered in pig shit, maybe a bath isn’t good enough. But if you’re a blogger, accountant, cube guy/gal, who didn’t spend 45 minutes running gassers, you aren’t that dirty (unless it’s period tuesday). In most cases, you just need to knock off the top layer of dirt. It’s called diluting. If you have 3 ice cubes in your whiskey, it tastes like water. If you dip your ass into 40 gallons of salt treated bath water, the amount of ball sweat still in the tub is next to nothing. It’s not just science; it’s mixology.

“But Chaps, you cant even shampoo your hair in the tub.”

Nice try. Fuck you and Jim Gaffigan.

Bath Gang.