Barstool Power Rankings - The Return

Rudeboy6/08/2019 12:45 AM

ATTN: From the Desk of The 2nd in Command to The Editor of Stool Scenes:

You guessed it right folks. Power Rankings are officially BACK. But before we get into that, a lot of you probably don’t know who I am. I have been at Barstool for some time now basically filming and helping out with Barstool Outdoors and Stool Scenes. But before I joined Barstool I played college hockey at the University of Denver, and if you know anything about mediocre college athletes it’s that telling you that we are D1 athletes is a requirement. So in order not to promote mediocre athlete shaming, let me tell you some more about it. Yes, I did walk onto my hometown team and one of the most dominant programs in the nation. Yes, we did win a national championship. And yes, Lisa Ann says I got game:

But the point is that back when I was busy being an extraordinarily humble student athlete, I used to hang out with my roommate (and current Boston Bruin) Danton Heinen, and we’d check out Barstool together by me reading the old power ranking blogs to him (because he couldn’t read.) So being able to bring them back is not only a great moment for me as an educator, but also as being a newbie to the blogging game. And since I am trying to write things other than “What if Our Bloggers Were Smokeshows” Hank thought it would be a good idea to throw me a bone and bring these back.

So without further ado, my watch begins.

It was a hectic week for Barstool; HBO was lurking around, Dave was savaged by a towel for the second week in a row, YP and Boris become stars, the new interns arrived, and the arrival of Lisa Ann literally made Zah’s year. Cataloging all of this is a tall task for a first timer, but I didn’t hang up the skates to ride the bench, I already did that in college.

America’s Most Wanted: Towel Guy

The series between the Bruins and the Blues ticked up a few degrees when the Blues tied up the series 2-2. But the real battle was off of the ice as an unknown assailant viscously attacked Dave with a cotton dish rag to the left ear drum.

Such an injury cannot be taken lightly.

As we wish Dave a speedy recover we the brave must forge on and face the haunting truth that the towel man is still at large. Furthermore, this guy had the balls to call into St. Louis radio anonymously, to say he didn’t do it on purpose, while videos like this exist.

All of this lends credence to the growing theory that the cotton sports towel is Dave Portnoy’s kryptonite.

All of this undoubtedly put YP in a tough spot, given his position as a Blues die hard, while also being a member of Team Portnoy. Having said that, one of his rogue mercenaries flying off the rails and breaching the physical barrier is kindergarten shit compared to the battles still to come. Besides, this thing already got physical in Game 1 when Dave was seconds away from starting a fire on the top of Riggs’ barren scalp.

Speaking of Riggs, he must have seen the weekend on the horizon as it didn’t take long for him to get into the sauce during game 5. Those eyes were in a zero gravity chamber and Frank Gallagher himself would have been proud to see O’l Riggsy! spilling beer onto innocent children trying to watch a hockey game!

The obviously beautiful part of that video is how Riggs tries to explain how he isn’t spilling his beer as half of his beer goes into his lap. Kind of ugly behavior from a full grown man and commissioner of a Golf Classic, but victory and power do crazy things to men. YP will definitely be trying to get his troops in order as game 6 approaches, which brings me to my next point.

Most likely to go viral while also catching a case: YP & Boris

It’s safe to say that YP and Boris are En Fuego. However, It’s harder to say what aspect of YP’s “Gloria” dance videos are more synonymous with Blues victories. Is it his chinchilla Boris? Or is it his violently swinging scrotum? Regardless of YPenis’ potential future as a cam girl, there is no question that there is a viral gust of wind coming off of that swinging nut sack, and the blues are sailing in it.

REMIX

In other news, Boris did become the toast of the town when he was nearly mistaken for a vodka soaked burrito by NHL legend Brett Hull.

Thankfully, Golden Brett managed to identify Boris as a living being and handed him off to his daughter Crosby who is a talented individual.

As they say, the boys are buzzing right now and it didn’t take long for CNN to catch on.

The unfortunate reality however is that victory comes at a cost. There is no question that Boris is more than well taken care of by YP, but that doesn’t matter to a Dave Portnoy who’s sees an opening in his enemies armor. Despite the life of fame and fortune Boris has, Dave calling PETA would undoubtedly rattle Blues nation, who are already prone to flying off of the rails, to the core. We may see PETA agents repelling from the rafters shortly.

MVP (Most Valuable Pornstar): Lisa Ann

It was no question that the arrival of The Great One, was a monumental moment for the majority of our employees. Big Ev, Glenny, Zah, Trent, and just about anyone with a libido, were buzzing with excitement to meet one of the most famous names in fantasy baseball, Lisa Ann. In the moments before her arrival the office felt like Chernobyl, it was silent, creepy and ready to explode. Once she arrived it didn’t take long for a line of men to form, who were eagerly waiting for a chance to get in her orbit. I’ll be real they looked like they were waiting in line for a casting couch audition, but in reality they were doing something far more serious, they were walking in to have Lisa Ann judge their BDE levels. As we all know, BDE (Big Dick Energy) is up there with gaydar in terms of scientific realness. So the privilege of being measured by the most well respected and experienced scientist in the industry is an honor usually reserved for college athletes. (shoutout me)

Bend the knee (no not you Lisa)

Isn’t Glenny fedorable?

Kayce and Fran were also excited to meet Lisa. Unfortunately neither of them could help themselves from a falling gaze.

Zah was more excited than anyone to meet Lisa. But what we didn’t expect was Lisa to be more excited to meet Zah? You be the judge.

Be sure to check out Lisa’s answer the internet and interview on KFC radio next week.

Interns Are Among Us

This week we welcomed 69 year old PMT intern Jilly Football as well as a fresh crop of new interns. Jilly being at the young age of 69 is obliterating our average age but I had the pleasure of being there for her crash course in twitter and let me tell you, this woman is a treat.

Let’s hope that the interns live up to some of the greats such as; Billy Football, Weird Haircut Seth, Devlin (Former Intern Slave), And Intern Jack Mac, who recently became full time once he found his contract a month after they sent it.

Hit Piece of the Week: Real Sports, Real Fat Pen

HBO’s Real Sports have been tailing Dave for the last couple weeks gathering a story for an upcoming episode. They followed him to Pizza reviews, rundowns and were there for his unprecedented back to back towel scandals. Things seemed hunky dory but the tone of the production seemed to change when Dave was giving a tour of the office and couldn’t help himself from introducing HBO to our fat pen, which is where Glenny and Big Ev are corralled.

Soledad didn’t seem to appreciate our heard (amongst other things) so it will be interesting to see how things play out.

Vegas Employee of the Month: CBS, Smitty, Nate

It’s a three way tie for Vegas employee of the month. Nate entered into the Big 50 – WSOP tournament and represented us well by placing a respectable 529th. Before you say anything keep in mind there were 28,000 competitors, many of which were last in Vegas for a Lisa Ann meet and greet.

Holding onto that many chips is no easy task, so what better way to unwind than with some fine dining.

Check out all things poker on Nates podcast Smokin’ Aces

Smitty on the other hand was willing to go all the way to Vegas to score some Gametime content. Streaming is a grueling 24/365 business and Smitty will be the first to tell you that. In fact, his right hand man (Click Bait Smits) was so inspired by Smitty’s grind, that he bought a plane ticket to Vegas for him. Such an act of selflessness surely puts one in the conversation for Vegas Employee of the month. At the end of the day, they all did such bang up jobs that we couldn’t decide, so they are all coming home with the hardware, as a three man best friend wolf pack.

P.S. Never forget how well Smitty and Nate work together:

Commissioners of the Week: Trent and Riggs

The first round of the Barstool classic tee’d off this week and it was a hit.

You know what else was a hit? The rock that was hurled through the back window of Spider and Daniella’s rental car.

In other commissioner news Trent, who presides over BICL, returned to his duties after being out of the office for foreplay.

Trent not only manages a fictional carnival sport, but he also whispers Pornstars.

I have to credit Trent for this maneuver, not only did he successfully neg one of the most decorated veterans in the game, but he also saved his timeline from being subjected to Porn twitter, which if you don’t know, can get real graphic real quick. So denying Lisa helps him in two ways. 1.) He gets to enjoy the pleasure of a Pornstar begging for his attention and 2.) he doesn’t have to worry about accidentally retweeting an amateur colonoscopy when he’s looking for baseball highlights. So, let’s hope Trent continues to keep his stamina with Lisa.

Well that’s all she wrote folks, it was my honor to serve you, as a thank you here are some more photos from this week our guests this week (Lisa Ann)

God Bless.